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Marriage Counseling in Three Steps - Matt Pavlik MA, PCC

A couple in a healthy growing relationship will continually work through and experience the three building phases of marriage as defined by Genesis 2:24-25.

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. 25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

To communicate the process of building or rebuilding a marriage relationship, I use an analogy of building a house. Image you are walking in your neighborhood after a recent storm. You notice one house that looks severely damaged. Most of its roof is missing. There are several long cracks and gaps in the exterior walls of the house. The house is completely exposed to the weather. As you walk up to the house you notice a man and woman working inside. They appear to be actively redecorating one of the rooms. You overhear them arguing about whether to use wallpaper or paint. What is your assessment of the situation? How are their circumstances and approach the same or different than yours?

As with most things in life, it is necessary to put a significant amount of thoughtful planning and work into a relationship before expecting to reap satisfaction. Jesus illustrates this principle in Luke 6:47-49.

47 I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. 48 He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. 49 But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete."

The following is an overview of the three building phases involved in strengthening your relationship:

Phase 1 – Leave
Laying Foundation and building external structure and roof
What is Marriage?

Phase 2 – Cleave
Organizing and arranging internal structure
What do we want for our Marriage?

Phase 3 – Receive
Creating an aesthetically pleasing environment
How do we make our Marriage work?

In general, it is necessary to complete some work in a prior phase in order to reap the benefits of the following phase. It is hard to expect that a couple will be really good at "Cleaving" if they are not good at "Leaving". As a couple grows in maturity and experiences life changes, they will naturally revisit and refine their work in each phase.